Day 131: Death of a Student

About 6 weeks into the school year, a colleague approached me to talk about one of my students.  He told me that she enjoyed my class, but that it was a major source of anxiety for her.  She was afraid of me and, even though she was falling behind, she didn't want to ask for help.

At that point, I had spoken with her a few times.  I knew that she had some thing going on, including several medical issues, but I didn't know the extent or the severity.  She was in a particular complicated and difficult class and, being one of the more quiet students, didn't always receive the attention that she wanted or needed.

After my colleague spoke with me, I pulled her aside and told her that I wanted to help her however I could.  Her medical issues sometimes caused her to fall behind in class, but she started coming to me to keep me up to date with her situation.

We started developing a better relationship and she began to confide in me about some of the things that were going on in her life.

About 5 months ago, her attendance became sporadic and eventually dropped off completely.  She began spending more time in the hospital for her condition.

Yesterday morning, I received a message letting me know that she had passed away.

I have no idea how to process my feelings.

I am devastated for her friends and family.  I hugged my children tighter yesterday and can't even imagine what it would be to lose one of them.  Several of my students broke down in tears today and I did what I could to comfort them.  I gave out hugs and comforting arm squeezes, but it's never enough.  Nothing that I, or anyone, can do to make this alright because it's not.

I am deeply honored to have known her and I'm grateful that I was able to make a connection with her before she left school.  I looked forward to her smile and her "Hi, Mr. Aion" each morning.

I checked in with her regularly to see how she was feeling.

I feel deep regret that I didn't check in with her once she left the school.  I thought about her almost every day, but never reached out.

Above all of this, I feel selfish for even trying to analyze my own feelings.  This tragedy isn't about me at all.

I'm doing what I can to be available to the students who need it.  My district is providing counseling for those who seek it, but I personally reached out to her friends.  I let them know how sorry I was for their loss and told them that if they wanted to talk, or just wanted a place to come and be quiet, my room was available.  Several of them took me up on the offer and spent a period telling me stories about her life.

We do what we can to protect our students, but there are some things that are out of our hands.
She was a remarkable, courageous, clever and kind young woman.  There are countless people who are grieving today, both and out of school.  I did not know her as well as would have liked, but I know I will miss her as well. 

**Edit**

The funeral for this young woman is on Thursday.  Our school will be having an early dismissal and providing busses to faculty, staff and students who wish to attend.